


Shredded Sunflowers

by they-call-it-chlamydia (theycallitchlamydia)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, I could tag the three series involved in this, however they do not deserve it...., lmao nvm hetalia deserves it
Genre: (but a little serious), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, F/F, F/M, I've spent too much effort on this, LISTDN IF IM GONNA FINISH THIS WHOLE THING I BETTER PUT S O M E EFFORT INTO IT, M/M, Multi, Now I HAVE to complete it, Read, dont, i made this at first at 13 and the pact was sealed, please, please... im begging you dont, theres no going back now, this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-30 01:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16755658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theycallitchlamydia/pseuds/they-call-it-chlamydia
Summary: Russia was all alone. He had nobody to care for him.Indeed, he did have Belarus, but…. it wasn’t the same.He needed someone who truly cared for him.Dio was looking for world domination, but his lust for power may conflict with the lusts of others…He had the power, the persistence, but did his fulfilment need more….. depth??Yuyuko didn’t need anyone, and just lived her days. However, it seems so…. quiet in Hakugyokurou.Please…… don’t ruin yuyuko……….😏😏😏😏💦💦💦💦💦💦💧😻😻😻😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏🔓🔒✅✅✅✅✅✅🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆💦💦💦😘😘😌😏😏😏💦💦😏😏💔💔💀😏😏💅A terrible three-way crossover between JJBA, Hetalia, and Touhou Project.





	1. ACT 1: The Vampire and the Ghost Queen

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:  
> Sorry bout this first chapter. It's definitely much better than the original draft, which was written before I had watched Stardust Crusaders, but it's still... eh. I don't like it. It's necessary for our heroine-not-mery-su-ok OC's backstory. I... I still don't understand how they do it....

Hakugyokurou was a rather peaceful place at this time.

Yuyuko seemed to have found a very strange vampire man visiting the shrine.

“He’s so very important, I think. I thought men weren’t really here anymore,” Yuyuko admitted to Youmu.

His name was Dio Brando, and he was definitely taking advantage of the Princess’ good natured personality, and, as he referred to it, “courtesan charm.”

 

Did you know ghosts can become pregnant? Don’t ask me how, I’m just documenting the events.

But yes, Yuyuko was having a child, somehow. Youmu sought that Yuyuko strayed as far from Dio as possible during the pregnancy (to her dismay.)

 

When the child was born, it was named Kageko (shadow child) Brando. She had black and yellow hair.

“Excuse me m’lady, why does the child have such yellow hair, but only on the tips?” asked Youmu Konpaku, the make-do midwife. “Have you not seen the father’s hair? It is yellow like the sun. Or fire. Probably fire.” Yuyuko replied. Youmu wrinkled her nose. “I haven’t seen the father at all. Quite interesting, considering the situation.” Looking around, Yuyuko screamed, “DIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 

They went outside in the snow. Dio stood in the middle of the path, his arms stretched to his side in a perfect T. 

“What are you doing, Sir Brando?” Youmu yelled. She had never been a fan of Dio, who really had only been here a few weeks. Alongside the confusion of a vampire and a ghost, quite the spooky combination, having a child, Dio was clearly mentally unstable to the point of abuse, of which Youmu wouldn’t take.

 

Suddenly, Youmu gained an idea. Now that the child was born, it needed to be raised. Now, Yuyuko and Youmu were hardly capable of such a thing, however, Dio may have well just have turned the child into a damn reason to stay in Gensokyo. 

The last thing Youmu thought she’d do is take advantage of Yuyuko’s abilities, which had killed her in the first place.  _ However _ , she thought,  _ this is indeed for the greater good _ .

 

How this plan was to be put in action was still up in the air until a strange figure appeared in the distance.

 

“M’lady!!” Youmu shouted, “COME QUICK!! THERE’S TROUBLE.”

 

\--------- im gonna go back an edit this later. Youmu’s smart but not me. Pretend =yuyuko killed dio with her powers  --------

 

As such, peace returned to the ghostly shrine. Spring had come and gone, several spirits coming to see the cherry blossoms. Youmu noted that there were a few more than usual this year. Yuyuko found it horrifying that she had let Dio in in the first place, and obsessed over finding why.

 

Eventually, for some reason, Dio came back. It was an average day, what with Yuyuko drifting about and paying a bit of attention to Kageko. Night was falling, and the three were about to eat, when a loud banging noise resonated through the house.

Youmu (who was doing some sort of action resembling feeding Kageko) flinched, and so did Yuyuko. A terrifying, paralyzing, and absolutely dreadful air entered the room suddenly, and Youmu felt like vomiting.

 

Dio entered the room next, hands on his hips and that all-knowing grin carved into his face. He stepped into the room with his shoes still on and stared down to Yuyuko and began cackling.

 

“Dio, go home.” She told him. “Too bad.” Dio announced loudly. “If you didn’t want to have this, don’t kill. But you did.” Yuyuko shot up and yelled (whilst still wolfing down some sort of food) “But you were in danger!” Dio cackled again. And so, with Dio’s miscalculation of Youmu being fully a ghost instead of half phantom, the man finally rightfully fucked off.

 

Meanwhile, Kageko grew more and more. She watched people come and go from her house, yelling at her ‘parents’, and she didn’t understand at first, but then, as she became even older, it became all too clear, but she didn’t have enough time before “disaster” struck.

 

Youmu had watched Yuyuko deterioraté. Neither one of the two women still remaining could tell what Dio’s thoughts were. It seemed as soon as he left, Yuyuko came back to her usual self, once again terrified she had liked him at all. By that time Kageko had already shut herself away from the world….


	2. ACT 2: The Vampire and the Scarved Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the original draft written in 2016, Vanilla Ice was an absolutely HORRENDOUSLY written Dio. This isn't much better at all, but.... Well, never mind, it is. Also, this story takes place during Stardust Crusaders, AKA 1989. If I hate myself enough maybe I'll write a sequel with Part 4.

“UgGGHH it’s cold.” Vanilla Ice complained, walking slowly, his lips chapping off. In his search for Dio’s world domination, he was traveling northeast. He was close to a place called Cherskiy, in the northern half of Russia. Seeing as how it was -7°F with 69% humidity, obviously, it was cold. The sunlight sucked as well, so he carried an umbrella. Dio would have sent someone else, someone else who, y’know, wasn’t literally killed by sunlight, but nobody was left….

“It is so cold, fuck.” Vanilla Ice yelled again, knowing nobody would help. If there was still that old woman…..

“I’m very sorry it is cold here, however seeing as you are up north, you can’t not be expecting it, no?” A certain voice unexpectedly replied. They had a thick accent which the other man could identify clearly to be Slavic. Vanilla Ice turned around to see another man, about 10 or so cm shorter than him, which still made him quite tall. He wore a large cream-colored coat with a big scarf around his neck, that blew in the wind. His face was youthful and slightly large, with a large nose which was found very attractive for no reason. “Yeah whatever. Have you seen-” he brought up a large portrait of the hat-haired man he fought only a while ago- “this man?”

The latter male gave a smile that obviously held something else. “Нет, I haven’t.” Vanilla Ice scrunched his gigantic nose. “I see.” The two stood in frozen silence.

 

Soon, the slav broke the silence. “Why aren’t you wearing pants, sir? It is not safe.” Ice looked down at his legs, then at himself in a nearby convenient frozen lake. The man yelled back “And it is also unwise to wear such a thin jacket here as well! You will freeze and the locals will eat you for the annual ukha!” This was when Vanilla Ice finally responded back loudly “I do not need your help, I’m afraid.”

The man followed behind Vanilla Ice as he walked away, his wide smile turning into a disinterested frown. It’s not like it was hard to follow the strange looking man, considering they were out in a snowy wilderness and the main colours Vanilla Ice took were hot pink and black. Just thinking about the colour black gave the man bad memories, that strangely made the wanderer weary.

 

_ “Yellow, black, yellow, black, ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a bit!” A certain American screamed in front of his audience, which was mainly just a bunch of other stuck-ups who came for the free food. “Barry! Breakfast is ready!” Mostly everyone else was just tired of hearing this same speech every day, but it hurt the man sitting to his right even more. “Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? Barry? Adam? Can you believe this is happening? I can't. I'll pick you up.” These “jokes” the man was belting every second didn’t take long before reaching our “protagonist” on an emotional level. Sometimes, it didn’t matter what they were coming from. To be fair, the two had been enemies for a long time, so why he got worked up with it in the first place was a mystery.  _

_ “Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money-” The American was cut off by a chorus of monotone (and one energized) voices that shouted back, “USE THE STAIRS, YOUR FATHER PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THOSE.” Before anyone could say anything, the man had shouted back “Sorry! I’m excited!” _

 

Looking back on it, the scarved man realized he wasn’t upset because of his enemy spouting bad memes as usual, but because the only food that he didn’t need to pay for that day was a single packet of peanut butter crackers. However, whilst he reminisced of the time where he ate stale peanut butter crackers for lunch, he had lost sight of Vanilla. “How did I do that?” he wondered, because not only was he wearing very bright and contrasting colours for a snowy wilderness, he was also very large in muscle mass. So basically, he was a multi-colored boulder, and the man had lost him. “That’s interesting....” He mumbled, not even realizing he said it. Before he could figure it out and take it back, Vanilla Ice seemed to appear out of nowhere.

“We meet again…” he smirked, sending the smaller large man onto the snow. “Why would you do that?” he demanded, standing up and wiping himself off. “Why would I come here?” he replied, “Well, it’s strange to see one like you, isn’t it? You don’t seem like the type to visit this little place...” Vanilla Ice scoffed like a real animu villain. He asked “Why would I go to you? You’re just some kid who lives in Siberia or whatever.”

“I am  _ not _ from Siberia,” the man beamed, “I am from Russia. I am not a kid.” The vampire rolled his eyes “Then what  _ ARE  _ you?” The other man coughed. “I am from Russia, and my name is Russia, because I am Russia.” he said straightforwardly. Ice raised an eyebrow “It does not matter anymore. You don’t need me.” Russia turns the other way. “Well, now that I know who you are, and what you are….” He came closer, Russia walking back. “I should ask you a question. See if you can  _ help _ us.” The other man didn’t like this at all. “Help  _ us _ ? Help you what? Take over the world? Oh, please. You are just one measly human. If anything,” Ice  scowled at the other calling him a “measly human”. Russia turned back, the same wide and fraudulent smile returning to his face, “You would help ME do something as such, wouldn’t you?”

 

 The other man made a choking noise, sort of like a cough. “About those questions,” Russia attempted to interrupt, but Vanilla Ice stopped him- “They are really important. SO, you must answer them.” Russia sighed, giving up. “Okay. What are they?”

“Have you ever been to Egypt?” Finally, an answer. “Yes, we have an ‘agreement’.” This was a strange thing to say, but if the man was indeed the Russian Federation, then… “Good. Well then!” He raised his finger. “Would you like to know who ‘we’ are?” “I suppose I have nothing better to do.” Vanilla Ice frowned, then returned to a neutral expression. “Wonderful.” he said slickly. “Well,” Ice started, “That brings us to the end of our little questionnaire.”

 

 Russia grabs the man’s strange parasol thing. “No, it is not. I want to ask you a few questions as well.” 

“All right.” Vanilla Ice responded. “I’m all ears...”


	3. ACT 3: The Gang and the Shrine Maiden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter I wrote not in middle school. Keep in mind, before starting this, I wasn't even aware there WAS a timeline to Touhou, so I automatically just put it in "everyone's there!!!" mode because that's all i saw. Despite this, I tried to at least make the Hetalia part more accurate to the time, since it... y'know, actually happened.  
> This probably takes place at least after Perfect Cherry Blossom, obviously (though if we were going by the actual time, it would probably be before even Highly Responsive to Prayers, which... might have taken place in 1998, if you consider it canon.)

The time had come for Jotaro and his gang (Joseph, Polnareff and Kakyoin) to finally defeat Dio. With two (three?) of their friends gone, the three gained more motivation to destroy this evil.

 

“So,” Polnareff began, panting. “Just up those stairs? Simple.”

“It’s almost sunset. We need to hurry.” 

 

The two took a less than leisurely break walking out, not noticing a certain Stand user behind them………

  
  
  
  
  


“UGH!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE WE” Joseph screamed again. They now randomly lied in a grassy area, definitely far from the bustling city streets of Cairo. There was a single stone path leading to what appeared to be a temple. A few trees surrounded the area.

“It’s like that dreamscape… I hope it is….” Kakyoin mused. Jotaro had taken to wandering around the area.

“Hey, Jotaro!” Joseph called, fuming. “Isn’t this pretty similar to your house?!” 

“Not at all, I can tell.” Kakyoin answered. “It’s a traditional styled building, but nothing like Jotaro’s house.”

“Thank goodness. If we had landed back there in Japan again- oh my God.”

The entire group went quiet. Somehow, they had been transported back to Japan, far away from Egypt, and not even in an area anyone knew. 

“We’re doomed,” Polnareff whined. “There’s no way we can go back now.”

“Could this be… one of the secrets of Dio’s Stand?” wondered Kakyoin. “Well, it  _ is  _ called ‘The World,’ so….” Joseph went along.

Jotaro, surprisingly, also seemed stunned. All four were at a complete loss until they heard a noise.

 

Sweeping?

 

_ “Ah, this is a shrine.”  _ Kakyoin had figured out.  _ If we ask this shrine maiden where we are, then we at least can go home.” _

  
  
  


Reimu Hakurei had, so far, been having a normal day. No pesky youkai had been nearby, and no strange incidents had ruined her day, week, month, or year. This was a wonderful time, until, as she ritually swept the shrine itself clean, she heard several noises.

_ “Someone’s doing something stupid again. _ ” She thought. So, she returned to sweeping.

Around this time, Joseph yelled in desperation about their location.

_ “A youkai,”  _ she presumed,  _ “and an ugly one at that. Several of them.”  _ She decided that if she ignored them. they’d go away. (This is how much of a good mood Reimu was in this particular day.)

Kakyoin then yelled enquiring about the location. “Excuse me, mistress!” Kakyoin called out to the shrine maiden in his native tongue, “I hate to ask, but would you mind telling us where we are?”   
Now, Reimu was a little more annoyed.   
“How would you not know where you live?” She asked. “We were transported here randomly, it seems,” the boy in green explained. “We’re not from here.”

 

Ah, so this is humans we’re dealing with, Reimu decided.

“I’m guessing you’re from the human world?” Reimu asked. The men looked at each other in confusion.

“The human world? What kind of nonsensical world would we live in otherwise?!” Joseph snapped.

“I know of this place,” Kakyoin suddenly remembered. A chorus of “hmm”s followed.

 

“There was a book talking about a shrine in an area that looks like this, with a shrine maiden who looks just like you…… And this area is the barrier between two worlds, the human world and the world of youkai.” Reimu nodded. 

“Youkai?” Asked Polnareff and Joseph.

“Japanese monsters.” the other man clarified.

“And this area is… the Hankurei Shrine!”

“It’s Hakurei.” Reimu corrected. “Likewise, my name is Reimu Hakurei. I am the miko of this shrine.” Kakyoin nodded.

Reimu, definitely not amused, raised an eyebrow. “How do you know, anyway?” She asked in a suspicious tone. The rest of the group nodded and eyed Kakyoin, who closed his eyes in understanding. “That’s a secret.”

“Nooooo waay!” Polnareff yelled. “Kakyoin, you’re one of them youl-kies, aren’t you?!” Kakyoin huffed. “They’re YOUKAI, and no, I’m not.”

“You all seem like humans, but you’re awfully…. Well, I guess I look strange to you, too, huh?” Reimu butted in. “Hey! The hell’s that supposed to mean?” Joseph yelled. 

 

Reimu, perhaps out of boredom, invited the rowdy men for tea so they could explain themselves.

“...So yes, we were transported here somehow, against our will.” Kakyoin (taking the role of translator) recalled to Reimu.

“Ah, I see now. Well, it’d be difficult to get you across the order, but-” A crashing noise, followed by a yell. Polnareff, who was sitting in a corner, yelped back. Reimu did a sight-grunt angrily and went on. “Anyway, it’d be hard to get you across the border, but it’s certainly doable, I’ve done it a few times.”

All of a sudden, a blonde in a witch outfit ran into the room, yelling “I’LL BE BOR….. row…. ing…” staring at the men at the table.

 

A pause.

 

“Interesting of you to take so long, Marisa.” Reimu snipped. ‘Marisa’ walked around them, eying Jotaro in particular with interest.

“Will you be joining us, miss?” KAkyoin invited, polite as usual. Marisa smiled anxiously, and plucked Jotaro’s hat off of his head and ran off.

“I have a lot of work I have to do now! Bye!” she yelled, mounting her broom and flying off. Jotaro ran out onto the field outside, yelling for her to come back. 

 

When Jotaro stomped angrily back into the room, Reimu made an exasperated sigh. “Sorry ‘bout that. She just takes whatever she pleases.”

Jotaro rambled, “That’s  _ my _ damn hat. I’ll see how she feel when I take her-” “Jotaro! You need to be nice to those ladies,” Joseph interrupted. His grandson scoffed.

 

“I still hate this gross tea.” Joseph muttered to himself. Suddenly, he seemed rather puzzled. “Hey Polnareff, by the way, what happened to Avdol? …Oh, and Iggy, too.” Polnareff hissed, biting his lip. “They’re, er…. That’s, uhhh…. Well, basically, they’re, uh, well, they’re dead, Joseph. Vanilla Ice killed them both.”

 

A pregnant silence followed, as Joseph, Kakyoin, and Jotaro shared looks.

“Avdol died twice?” Jotaro wondered aloud, confusedly. Polnareff whimpered and shrugged. “Yep, guess so. I just feel like-” -Polnareff stopped to turn his face away- “He’s over now. There’s no way either of them are coming back. Iggy sacrificed himself, that bastard.”

 

There was another moment of silence, although Reimu clearly was both confused and mildly distressed.

“So, uhh….. Well, at the very least, you could get back and see that lady in her final moments. There’s a girl here that can control time and space and stuff, but I don’t think she can turn it back, so…,” Reimu proposed. The men nodded and stood, a deafening feeling of despondency on them.


	4. ACT 4: It's a Small World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've had this done for a while, but was too lazy/embarrassed to update. Nobody wants to read this, so it feels a little useless. However, I wrote this on my school computer and in case i feel like i have too many friends in the future i need to show them this.

“Master, I have returned,” Vanilla Ice announced as he walked into Dio’s secluded room in the mansion, Russia in tow.

“Humm?” Dio responded, not turning from his post. He was posing delicately in the moonlight, looking as powerful as ever. Russia stared from behind Vanilla Ice, immediately feeling a strange feeling come over him, and it made him shiver. “Do tell me, Ice, you’re back awfully early. I’m assuming you can explain that.”

“Yes, I can, Sire.” Vanilla Ice stepped to the side, revealing Russia. “This man here says himself to be the representative of the Soviet Union.”

Dio turned, slowly. Russia felt that strange feeling in both his heart and groin. Dio found the man instantly to be rather distant and scraggly. The two still had traces of the cold on them, and Russia had been tracking snow through the mansion.

 

“I send you out for something so important, and you bring me back a politician. This looks nothing like-” Dio stopped for a moment to open an encyclopedia- “Mykail Garbackev.”

“Mikhail Gorbachev,” Ivan corrected. Dio stared him down questioningly.

“Ah, I didn’t explain well enough, Master. This is no ordinary politician, this man claims himself to literally  _ be _ Russia itself. Now, on the way back, I spoke to him. I believe you all should cooperate, as I find him rather believable.”

Dio scoffed. “Believable? I find that  _ hard _ to believe.” He stepped towards Russia.

“So, Mr. “Russia,” I’ll play along… if you can prove to me you are Russia,” he demanded. For a split second, Russia considered retorting “not until you can prove to me you’re a-,” though he instantaneously realised that was a gravely terrible idea.

“I have a few ways to do this. I’m guessing you want to be sure as soon as possible, yeah?” Russia approached gently. Dio replied with a hissing “yesss……”

 

There was a terrifying silence for a second as Russia considered a way to truthfully convince this man he was, at the very least, worth keeping alive. Somehow, he felt so much smaller in this room, with a huge intimidating aura pressing him. Suddenly, a pain in his shoulder reminded him of an idea.

 

“Hit me.” Russia told Dio, who raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“Hmm? You’re giving up?” 

“No, you’ll see, sir. Just hit me.” 

 

Like watching a horror film, Russia knew the pain was coming, and a hard hit from a man like Dio was inevitable, but Russia still felt surprised when Dio punched the exact shoulder Russia felt hurting earlier. He yelped, though Russia couldn’t help but grin wildly at Dio’s surprised face as he stood back up. Russia quickly began removing his coat, showing his average button-down. He quickly revealed his shoulder, of which the breaks of skin were already healing. Dio’s eyebrows went high in either surprise or him being impressed.

“Well,” he started, “I can’t say that  _ really _ proves you’re Russia, but indeed, such an ability would be greatly appreciated.” Russia smiled dreamily. “Hmm~ Well, if you’re willing to wait, there are some ways I can show you some potential allies. They all have the same abilities as me but they are much weaker. Very good cannon fodder.” Dio seemed, at this point, just seemed to be considering keeping him around as a plaything, judging by the glint in his eye.

 

This was how Dio and Vanilla Ice ended up going to Russia’s house, in Russia, who’d’ve guessed.

 

“Rather lonely looking. I like it,” Dio noted. Vanilla Ice nodded quickly.

“I’m so glad you do,” Russia replied, setting out some wine. “Now, you two sit, and I’ll see about gathering the evidence.” He then yelled “ _ OOOOOOOOH LATVIAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!!!”  _ and a scraggly looking little boy-kid ran over, terrified. He squeaked “Yes, Mr. Russia?”

“Gather some recent documents from… Hm, let’s say, Gorbachev, please.”

“Yes, sir,” the kid replied back, running off. Dio seemed to enjoy being the presence of another person in unnecessary control of people.

“That was little Latvia,” Russia explained, “or as police know him, Raivis. I’m not the only representation of countries, there are a lot more.” The other men nodded; it was understandable that if there was going to be a representation of Russia, then others would exist as well. 

 

As one may predict, Russia was indeed considering detaining the two superhumans in his own loneliness, or perhaps out of curiosity. However, he did go along and recite pleasantries with them, drinking his wine absently. Latvia, as far as he knew,  _ should _ be gather documents from the government with his signature and name, forgetting that Vanilla and Dio probably couldn’t read a word. “Can vampires get drunk?” he wondered.

 

“Okay, let’s see,” Russia announced, smiling. Admittedly, he was rather giddy, as it had been a while since he’d had people in the house who actually wanted to speak to him. “I’m still confused about what exactly you need my help for. Explain me.” Vanilla Ice coughed into his palm. “Well, you see, it’s simple. The point is for me to create a new world, perfect for me and my servants.”

“That’s rather sad, that’s my idea,” Russia said with fake reluctance. “Perhaps we can to it together.” 

“I suppose that could work,” Dio decided, both parties knowing he’d throw them over like oppressed peasants. The three stared off at each other in a painfully awkward silence until the scrawny Latvia came back.

“I wasn’t able to find too many from Gorbachev- Er, well actually, I did, but you seemed unsure, so I just brought this one-” Russia’s head immediately latched onto the document, grabbing the piece of paper out of his hands. Sighing, he slammed it on the table for Dio and Vanilla to read before dragging Latvia into the other room. Vanilla Ice glanced worriedly towards the door before beginning to read. It was a letter signed “Alfred F. Jones - National Representative of the United States of America” and, despite being rather official looking, seethed with passive-aggressiveness. 

“Hmm, how fun….” Dio remarked, leering at the paper. It was a little old, from 1976, but it certainly wasn’t the last letter Russia had received from the U.S. Luckily, Latvia seemed to be a little smarter than his size had previously said- indeed, Russia had no idea what he’d have done had the two… 

Huh. Well, either way, Vanilla Ice had taken an interest in the paper, and Dio stared at Russia. He felt Dio’s gaze in his very being, and for the first time in a few decades, Russia felt true, deep-seated fear. 

 

“The entire United States of America… HMMMM!!!!” Vanilla remarked, placing the paper back on the table and sipping a drink of wine. 

“Hm. Well, this is certainly some… interesting new information.” Dio replied, chin in his hands. Russia nods, sipping wine somewhat shakily. He felt, somehow, a little nervous in the sense of meeting someone lovely, rather than that of a villainous god. Of course, Dio was making him feel incredibly small and endangered, but he felt it.. was a little nice. As if he were a-

Near suddenly, a maid nearby coughed, snapping him out of the terrible daydream.

 

Vanilla Ice suddenly began talking. “Alright, now. Well, let’s see about your friend, here, Mr. USA,” he pointed to the signature, “do you think he’d be useful?”

“Hardly.” Russia nearly yelled. The last thing he’d need, definitely. As if the kid would’ve even said yes. “In fact, as you may guess, he would be quite the obstacle.” 

“Understandable,” the two nod. 

“Never fear,” Russia reassured, smiling ostensibly, “I have some other allies we could use..”

 


	5. ACT 6: Easy Come Easy Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's also been done for a while, but it's not as.. complete-ish. Again, nobody actually cares so  
> If you get all huffy because Ukraine is stressed about what she finds out, remember the time this takes place (hell, ukraine's still pretty anti-lgbt today)

“I see a little silhouetto of a man,

Scaramouche! Scaramouche, can you do the Fandango?”

“THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING, VERy VERY-” Britain was cut off by the phone ringing. He finished the word “frightening” as he picked it up, yelling the “-ME!” right as he put the phone to his ear.

“‘Allo?” he greeted.

“A-oh, heya Britain… Ehe, what time’s it over there?” Britain instinctively tensed up at the American’s voice. “Erm, hey there, America. ‘Bout 18:55 here.”

“Oh, already? Uhhm….” America went silent, the “magnifico” most likely coming through on his end. “Y- He- Uhm, is your fridge running?”

“What did you  _ actually _ call me for, America?” 

“All right, all right!” the man yelled. “Russia’s been acting, like… weird lately. Y’noticed, right?” Britain sighed on the inside. “I suppose, yeh.” 

 

Russia had been acting somewhat peculiar lately, Britain would give him that, but it could hardly be worthy of a phone call. Something seemed to be blooming in his affairs, but from experience, Britain thought it unwise to interfere.

He could think exactly to the moment that probably made America wonder about that: when the world meeting had been in progress just last month and Russia had seemed rather occupied. America was about to go around yelling about Ghostbusters or whatever for the upteenth time when Russia blocked himself off from listening to the man, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out his address book. America had stared at him for about two seconds.

That suspicion was confirmed when America took a bite of whatever he was eating and almost screamed “Well, you know how he pulled out that book?! I swear I saw a picture a’ something weird in there!” A pause. “Like wha-” 

“It was all, like, dark ‘n stuff. I dunno  _ where _ the hell he could’a got it, ‘cause I doubt even the cameras there are gonna be that bad, but I only saw it for a second. It was a picture of a guy, a real big one.”

“A man?” Britain wondered and asked at the same time. Certainly, if he could find proof that that was true, that’d be pretty funny, in both humorous and mysterious ways.

“Hehe, yeah,” America giggled, and suddenly Britain had a feeling he knew the actual reason he called him, “It was a real big guy, like, even bigger than Germany, from what I could see. His hair was blond, aaaand…. He had a spot or somethin’ on his neck, but I mighta just saw it wrong.”

“Y’ sure it wa’nt Germany, now?” Britain found himself asking, admittedly, interested. “Huhuh, maybe,” America replied. “Coulda been, also couldn’t. I’d have to see ‘im again.”

“Our next meeting isn’t until ‘round three-four months from now, at the least,” he noted, “unleeeess….”

  
  


\---

  
  


Ukraine only wanted to knit at this point. The disaster from three years ago was still messin’ her up, and if there was any more shit going on she was nearly about to scream. 

 

Right now, she was making some goddamn earmuffs, to close everything out- everyone was being too fuckin’ loud. It was going real good too, she was humming some songs, about to finish it off, when the phone rang.

 

“Chernenko,” she answered, not bothering to look at the number until after answering.

“Eha, Ukraine!” America gleefully yelled, causing Ukraine to put her hand over her ear. “Everythin’ alright? Just wan’ed to ask ya something real quick.” She was about to say “no, sorry” when America yelled back “So, have you seen Russia lately? He’s got this picture of a dude in ‘is pocketbook, big guy. ‘V you seen it?”

“No,” Ukraine finally answered. If her little brother was going to be a homosexual, then she really had no idea if she’d laugh or cry. Right now, she just wanted to go to bed crying either way.

“D’awww, shucks. Well, bye.”

 

_ How dreadful,  _ Ukraine thought to herself. She sighed and picked her needle back up, a whole new wave of worries on her mind.

 

…

 

That night, Ukraine called him for the first time in a while. 

 

“Someone told me you have a picture of a man, brother. If you’re gay, say it right now, because I won’t play any more games.” Her voice was so strained now, and she sounded quite tired.

“Sis, I’m not gay, don’t be silly. That’s an associate of mine,” Russia skillfully excused. Maybe if it were just her wanting to be able to trust her brother for  _ once  _ in her life, or maybe just because the opposite, she sighed “I see” and hung up.


End file.
